Hwa choo say?

How else do you expect me to react?
Do you want me to embrace you for saying some shit like that?
Because you want to just say something mildly offending and not explain it?

Honestly, this whole weekend I was seriously on the edge and everything either pissed me off or got me sad.
Just because of those fucking words.

Honestly, I don’t know what will happen if this keeps up.
I hate tension and this just created a shit load of it.
And seriously, I know I may be getting the wrong idea,
but you’re not doing shit to clarify anything.

Excuse me for my absence.
I’ll try to write on this one a lot more.

“I’m easy to forget and get over with, so that feeling you have now will be over with soon “

I laugh hysterically at that statement.

Cause now, even months after its happened, it just so happens I still think of you.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Nana’s theme

Wow, quite a bit has changed since then.
I used to smoke so much now it’s…a bit repulsive.
Smoked three sticks today and I felt disgusted.
Tasted gross, wasn’t satisfying.
Maybe because I was tired or just felt out of it, but
I didn’t not like it at all.
Meh, I’ll quit.
For now I have a carton I don’t even wanna smoke.
Apart from that, I’m practically done with school.
Just need a few more classes then graduate the fuck outta here, woo.
…then full time job. OTL.

World, here I come.

あなたのこともわたしのこともすべてのこともまだしらないの。

とまどうことばあたえられてもじぶんのこころただうわのそらもちわたしからうごくのならばすべてかえるのならくろにする。あゆむことさえつかれるだけよひとのことなどしりもしないわこんあわたしもかわれるのならもしかわれるのならしろになる。戸惑う言葉与えられても自分の子これただ上の空もし私からうごくならばすべてかえるのならくろにする。動くのならばすべて壊すわすべてこわすわかなしむならばわたしのこころしろくかわれる。あなたのことも私のこともすべてのこともまだ知らないの重いまぶたをあけたのならばすべてこわすのならくろになれ。十便から動くこともなくときの隙間に長さ列図家手しらないわまわりのことなどわたしわそれだけ。こんあじぶんにみらいわあるのしらないわまわりのことなどわたしわわたしそれだえけとまどうことばあたえられてもじぶんのこころただうわのそらあなたのこともわたしのこともすべてのこともまだしらないの。

ゆめみてる。
なにもみてない。
かたるもむだなじぶんのことば。
悲しむなんて疲れるだけ世なにもかんじずすごせばいいの。

New relationship are always….unsettling.

Don’t get me wrong, I can easily adjust my attitude, open up, and accept someone for what they are, but it’s the stuff we do that’s unsettling.

I always try to avoid the things I’ve done with my ex because..I don’t know, I assume it’s something that I’ve done that led to the downfall. There must have been something I did to help provoke them to detach (Well, if we’re talking about the relationships where they let go.)

And it feels like doing something I’ve already done to make someone feel better is….pretty much spitting at holy grounds. You don’t do it, you just don’t.
Hence why I always try to think of something new and exciting to make them happy.

But whatever, I’m gonna get my life straightened out first before I start to get into relationships.
Plus, they’re supposed to make moves on me, not the other way around.
/snort

Look, dress hanging off your shoulder, barely sober
Telling me how you moving away and starting over
Girl, quit playing, you just drunk, you just saying shit
And oh, you dance? Dance like how? Like ballet and shit?

Oh, wait, no, I get it girl, I’m with it
I’ve been down this road before and yeah, I skidded but forget it
Damn, damn, I wonder why I never why I learned my lesson
It’s feeling like a second chance and it’s the first impression

And I heard it’s nothing new except for someone new
But how you supposed to find the one when anyone will come with you
Talking to myself but I never listen
‘Cause, man, it’s been a while, and I swear that this one’s different

That’s why I’ma take you anywhere you wanna go, let you meet my friends
So they can lecture me again about how reckless I have been
And I’m slowly running out of all the time that I invested
Making all the same mistakes and I’m just trying to correct it and I fall

I’m such a mess in the head, LOL.

I fall for people too easily.
Because how often do you meet someone who appreciates your hospitality?
Yeah, they may say please and thank you and all that shit, but it’s such a rare occurrence that it happens with someone who you wouldn’t mind dating.

I don’t know.
I just hate liking someone after just getting to semi-know the inside.
I need to stop.
I need to take it slow.

Or else I’ll get fucked over, hahaha.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Writing an essay about heartbreak because it’s the only thing that the class didn’t whore. We had the two strong topics of death and loss, and I guess if you look at it from an analytical point of view, heartbreak is a type of death and a loss.

What I have so far before I was struck with writers block:

Blinded by a relationship, all he thought about was making her happy. It was a long while before he felt this happy, hence why he tried so hard. He tried a little too hard, putting her priority status above school, family, and himself. With little effort made and lack of appreciation for his hospitality, she was still able to make him happy. Society would call the boy blind and a fool for not seeing his errors. He didn’t care what the sacrifices were, as long as he made her smile, and that’s what got to him.
From the time they met, to the time they parted, he always gave her his best. Always smiling, always cheerful, he made sure she was content. Whether it be picking her up late at night to get donuts or going on road trips to see her best friend, he would do it. Though she never got to fully express how she felt about him, she always gave him affection through physical embrace or words. Her words were humble, her hands were filled with warmth and reassurance, and her beauty outclassed any other to the point where he wont pay attention to any girl in terms of looks other than her. He always made sure she was content, she always made sure he was secured, so what lead to their demise?
She was happy, at least, he thought she was. He always feared his actions turning into a routine. Too much repetition leads to boredom and even if he had a hunch that he was getting boring, he was blinded by her charm and her wholeheartedness. She was sincere, always speaking how she felt and how she thought this relationship is one that would last a very long time. He was a listener and a fixer, always listening for things that needed to be fixed and always trying to do so; Because he thought that would make her happy. He wanted her to have the perfect life, but no one bothered to tell him that such a thing does not exist.

Please let me finish this essay before midnight.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

pikatrieu:

Do You - Yiruma

(Source: mikeyavila)

I think in some point of our lives, we long for someone who will never be there.

May it be a best friend or an intimate partner, there will be no one else like the one you’ve made up in your head.
There will be no perfect physical manifestation of the person in your imagination and that’s what really gets to me.

No one to hold your hand while you walk together in a star-lit night.
No one to wipe your tear from your eye when you shed one from a dead pet.
No one to say “it’s okay” and reassure you, to make you keep your composure and embrace you.
No one to go to the movies with, to the mall, or stay at home and read books together with a cup of tea or go to the local plaza and hang out in the arcade.
No one to go to dinner with, or make dinner for.
No one beside you to hold you while you sleep at night.

Is there really no one like that?
Like the one in your dreams?

I’m willing to accept anyone and love for what they are, what they have or don’t have, and all the other things.

So I guess in essence, there is a physical manifestation of said imaginary someone.
Just gotta take some time to realize that they’re already here, in our lives.

No one’s perfect but everyone is perfect.

I am confusing.

A fool.

What everyone takes me for.
Just because I put it an larger amount of effort than most people do.
Just because I couldn’t care less what the sacrifices are as long as they are smiling.
Just because I want to make them happy.

Because I trust them.
Because I care.

People say neglecting tasks and prioritizing people before you is not good.
Wouldn’t you do that if someone’s life was in danger?
Wouldn’t you do that if your best friend isn’t smiling?

I am a fool.
Someone has to be.
Bad things happen to good people and vice versa, there needs to be balance in the world, I try and balance it out at the cost of my time and effort. And let’s face it, I’d rather be the one to help instead of some jerk who might take advantage.
I don’t need to be praised or thanked. As long as they’ve smiled, I know I’ve done my job.

Yet people refuse to perceive.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

I heard this song on the way home today.

Really beautiful.
Soaring past the city lights, street lamp after street lamp reflecting from the window, the starry night just sits there motionless while I just gaze on the sky.

Everything stopped for that moment. Mind went blank, no heartbeat, no warmth from the body, just eyes set on the constellations and the infinity that’s called space.

As I currently write this analysis for my class, it does nothing but help and inspire words to travel from my cranium into the paper. Word by word, piano key by piano key, the paper just submerges with words.

Music is beautiful.